ThE NeW FrauD SysteM

Gone are the days when people shy away from pregnancy before marriage. Note that I did not say sex before marriage cause that has been even before my mother was born in as much as they may like to deny it. In the past, pregnancy before marriage use to be a fast track to marital life, if a girl was discovered pregnant, that was all it took. There were no tears for being single or finding MR /MRS right as much as we have now, then if you want a husband badly all you needed to do was to get ‘knocked up’. Likewise if she’s too beautiful to resist and you want her trapped up in your house: get her ‘knocked up’. Well times have changed for as we all grow technically, geographically and literally so has every aspect of our lives changed too.

Unfortunately sexually transmitted diseases have grown along side with all of us however this has not stopped millions of people from going ‘bare’. You will think as these sexually transmitted evils creep along side human activities the act of unprotected sex will cease and decease but on the contrary it is quite the opposite. I recently read the most absurd story ever told between a Nigerian artist and his upcoming baby mother.  She claimed she was pregnant for him and displayed her baby bump on social media but he replied her with a record affirming the sex but discrediting the growing child as he only slept with her once. How brilliant! Honestly, African parents really need to start giving some sex education; it will really make these adults less ignorant.

What got to me the most is not the pregnancy claim or the man’s ignorance but the thought of how many other girls he had slept with once with no protection. If you’ve decided to sleep with a girl just once because you know from the onset you have no interest in her at all, why go bare? These guys just go around counting bodies ‘bare-less’, spreading diseases across nations, not fearing for their health nor fearing for their lives. The women on the other hand who are supposed to be the smarter species, although stupid enough to get money through any means for frivolous covetousness have decided to cash in on this, putting the world unto a new fraud system; the baby mama scheme.

The desire for money has grown more intensively than the desire for marriage unlike years before now. Getting pregnant now before marriage is no longer a motivation to get married in itself but a scheme for a better life. However am not sure how that is working out these days. I guess some scammers are more calculating than others, this is not to say that all pregnancies before marriage are based on a motive, as terrible as the world may seem there are still so many honourable and genuine individuals. Though life as we know it is filled with so many thorns in its roses just as there is no scam with low risk, making the one with the highest risk of all the baby scam; with this you literally pay with your life and the life of another, the innocent other.

Women are just so extra in everything we do but what does it matter, we’re bent on getting what we want and it doesn’t even matter whether it is the baby, the money or the marriage. Oh! But the men are catching up real fast on this one, they’ve even created for themselves a counter fraud: the ‘you’re on your own type of fraud’. So the next time you think you want to trap or scam a man and before you spread your legs to diseases and babies, I will suggest you write a fan mail to Blac China.

CLI.CHÉ

Am not going to cliché write about the popular Nigerian celebrities who recently tore their marriage to shreds on social media or the recent up-rise of the many domestic violence in Nigeria leading to many deaths. If am being honest I wouldn’t even call it an up-rise its basically more of an awareness, one that social media has successfully brought to light.  What bothers me the most is denial: self-denial, oh! its so easy to look on people’s relationship and point out all the stupid things you will never take and at the same time suffer even worse things in your own relationships. Its much easier to segregate yourself from the crowd and act like yours is the perfect life.

The best thing you can do for yourself is be honest, I cant imagine how many times I must have written this on the blog but I will continue to for has long as I keep this blog alive. If you can be totally honest with yourself and confident enough to realise that you are being used or walked-on and bold enough to consider yourself far and above any negativity or sorrow and not accept any form of abuse then you will definitely have a more fulfilling relationship because the person you are in with will know you know your self worth.

Happiness in a relationship is not ready made, it is built on. You don’t go into a relationship to find happiness, you go into a relationship to create your own happiness. For instance how does your friend’s partner buying her a new car measure your partners’ love for you? Why should you measure your love based on other people’s accomplishments? I noticed that people often look over their shoulders at what others are doing for fulfilment in their own relationships. That for me is the major problem and start-point of a dying relationship.

If we all focus on how to improve our lives with our partners and how to maintain constant joy whilst doing so there will be less breakups and more happy marriages. First of, its good to understand why you have chosen to share your life with the person you’re with; is it for your own selfish reasons like not wanting to be alone, the benefits of a good life that the person can render or do you think being with this person will build you just as much as you building them? If you're leaning towards the later then thats a good start. I know I have mentioned numerous times, that its good to have something to offer in a relationship, it’s the only way that love can wax stronger. Everyone should be able to feed on the other not just one person being drained out dry.

The minute one person starts feeling cheated whether by always giving (love, attention, affection, gifts or emotions) and getting nothing in return or being cuckold they need to step back a little and re-evaluation why exactly they are in that relationship. No relationship should be complicated for there is no such thing, except that you are giving much more than you are getting. Like the lyrics in John Meyer’s song ‘friends lovers or nothing” clearly states; Anything other than YES is NO, anything other than STAY is GO, anything less than I LOVE YOU is LYING. So lets stay focused, keep our heads up high and remain calm. X 

Am coming home

I just want to say am really sorry for taking almost a year to write again on this blog. I know I do this too often than not but from the last time I wrote here, there has been so much going on in my life although overall when I count my blessings the good surpasses the bad. So I can only bless God.  It’s a bit hard for me to write when am very happy, its also very hard to write when am very sad. I always have to be either just happy or just sad and since last year there really hasn’t been that in-between in my life. I've gone straight from very happy to very sad so quick much too many times during these past year that the year has 'bolted' past me in a flash.

Before the end of the year I will share some of my journeys with you but for now be in expectation of a post before the end of this week. Stay blessed.

Its also no surprise by now that the name of the blog has changed. I had no underlining reason for doing that then simply opting for a more refined title. 

HoGWaSh!

Been back in Nigeria-Africa 5years now and I still get perplexed on so many things and just can't seen to wrap my head around them. For the purpose of why we all are on this blog let me stick to the love aspect of my culture shock. I noticed that the Nigerian people love marriages but not for love’s sake. Its like the full definition of marriage here has absolutely nothing to do with love. The sad part of these is that I look around and so many homes operate more like a dormitory than a healthy loving family home. A lot of children around here have never seen their parents kiss, a lot more have never even heard the simple words ‘I love you’ said in their homes. How is enduring hardship and depression the definition of a good wife? In my opinion, the main reason for this is the cultural prison we tend to lock ourselves in.

A lot of couples are sadly just getting by than living a fulfilling marital life. Many wives cannot say they love their husbands and ironically they cant even think of leaving him either. A lot of men have turned to adultery to give them the solace they lack from living with the emptiness they feel when they are home. I personally think its the crab mentality of pulling people down that has embedded itself into our culture. Take for instance a mother not wanting her daughter to marry a man from another ethnic group with a different culture or from a different country for love’s sake because she didn’t marry for love’s sake or a mother-in-law who cannot simply stand the love and affection her son is giving to his wife because she wasn’t fortunate to experience such. I just think cultural difference is used as an excuse for disapproval rather than a defence for concern.

When will we learn to embrace happiness instead of grieve? We see many people stuck in marriages after an outrageous display of wealth on their ceremony day. Stuck in the deadlock of unhappiness and depression all because they tried to make everyone else happy but themselves. Isn’t it time to start inter-marrying having failed miserably over numerous years to achieve the perfect marriage through these medium? I get really confused though to be honest asking myself if people here consider being happy in a marriage as luxury? Or am I clouded by my own happiness I lost track of reality? I am going to say these; do not ever marry anyone you do not love: not for money, not for convenience, not comfort, not for satisfying your parents’ alter ego and definitely never for cultural seasons.

That claptrap hasn’t worked so far in terms of the means to keeping people happy so please away with it, at the end of the day it’s the individual that matters. By all means if the love of your life and soul mate hails from the next hut next to your father’s hut in the village then please go ahead but do not make that your criteria for marriage proposals. I have friends who sneer at the thought of ever marrying outside their tribe or ethnicity and it makes me so broken hearted, I keep thinking how can one with so much education and exposure be so narrow minded? Why would you subject yourself to such mediocrity when there are so many fine gentle men out there willing to treat you like queen? I say enough of depriving yourself of goodness, you deserve every good that pops its head for you, don’t push it back down.

Unconsciously we all write off advances based on our thinking it would never work out. So allow me say this; broaden your thinking, widen your horizon, settle into a fresh, clean, pure mindset about life and love and see how far it takes you. So many people are single today because they have refused to take a diversity plunge and give love in diversity a chance. Only if I want to lie to you will I tell you that I have never had such mindset in the past, in fact, I passed on two advances when I was younger  just because they weren’t the same skin color as me. That’s really awful thinking, honestly and I advice you to digress from such thinking. Thankfully my husband is the love of my life and happiness, though, he's from the same country as me but not of the same ethnicity, I guess love showed me some mercy. Let me just stress that you keep your mind open, look out for partners that support you, that care about you, that care for you and partners that go that extra mile just to put a smile on your face. When that partner comes, settle in with them and let love take over.

Secret Lovers

The worst thing any human can do is lie to themselves. When love has knocked you down instead of basking in the glory of  ‘I was too much of a woman for him’, 'he couldn’t handle all these beauty', 'he’s insecurity of me being better than him got the most of him' or 'he doesn’t really love her, he’s just there for safety his heart belongs to me he admitted it'. Why don’t you start by being honest with yourself, because you wouldn't be the first and last person to lose out on love.

In as much as you may disagree with me; love is not a game. People try to play on love but love itself is not a game and I think men realise this much more than women do. A man will most of the time marry who he loves but lie to you that you have his heart just so you can keep him in your good books. No one ever wants to be the bad person, we all thrive to maintain a good profile in the world; to be more acceptable, to be more appealing, because somehow that gives us fulfilment of our very existence and unfortunately the men seem to understand this much more than the woman.

Let me ask a question; How can it ever be love when you are the one in the dark? Are you a demon? Growing up I was made to understand that evil is the only thing that lurks in the dark and in the shadows of the night. So I am not sure why you will want to have a relationship in the dark with a man that has another relationship in the light and still think you in the dark are the one most loved. Ever heard of sin? Its most done in the dark and it's sweeter than living righteous but even while enjoying your sinful ways you are conscious of the fact that it will lead you to utter damnation so your battle for a righteous life begins and good mostly prevails over evil.

Deep illustration but that’s the only way my mind is describing it this morning. Let me ask another question; why would you want to be a secret sin? Do you not classify yourself worthy enough to be in the light? The woman in the light is exactly like you. All your body parts are in place just like her and in most cases you are even more beautiful than she is, so why degrade yourself so low as to be a sub? You are woman, you are queen, not a house slave, you should control your own castle not sneak around someone’s turf because a man is deceiving you into believing you have his heart. If you really have his heart then you should share his world in the light for everyone to see and not just in dark alleys.

Here’s my take; If a man is in a relationship and claims you have his heart then let him do the right thing, let him get over and done with his relationship, clear his head for 4-6months before re-proposing a relationship with you. If you make him believe he can eat his cake and have it, not only will he eat his cake and have it, he will also start taking opportunity cost notes and measuring you two side by side and before you know it, he will decide ‘the grass is not always greener in the neighbor’s garden’, leaving you in limbo. Why not stop making excuses for your happiness and for love’s sake stop making excuses for these men.