The oTheR wOmAn

I once had a friend, I use the adverb ‘had’ because I have long lost touch with this friend, so I once had a friend who was a serial cheater actually more of a player than a cheater but as he was in a serious relationship I considered him a cheater. My serial cheating friend felt comfortable discussing his girlie issues with me and me being the psychologist always had a way of putting him in therapy sessions without him knowing. Once he threw a question at me asking what end of a relationship I would rather be in; the main or the other chic? There was no thinking about it I answered ‘of course the main but either way I would not tolerate cheating’. However from his numerous experiences with women, he drew the conclusion that a lot of women preferred to be the cheating partner rather than the main chic being cheated on. His analysis came from his strategy; every woman he had dealings with was made fully aware of his main chic and all agreed comfortably to remain in the dark.

I believe there are reasons why chics would rather be on the outside than be on the inside. For one a lot of women do not want their heart broken, they find it more comfortable getting what they want from the outside than being the ‘fool’ on the inside. they believe they’re getting more attention than the main chic, they are having more fun than she is and they are having less stress thinking about who and who he’s fooling around with. They enjoy all of that until they begin to want more and then the crying starts and the game changes. They gradually start to realise that the attention decreases, the need for him to spend more time with her also decreases and the fun they thought they were having isn’t fun anymore. Now they cry more than the bereaved and they want the hold she has on him that makes him so glued to her even when he is constantly pounding them.

You don’t comfortably settle into being the side chic thinking you have the strength for it or you’re gangster so you can handle it. You settle into it because you decided this was the best you could get. The guy sees through all that hard façade and takes full advantage of it before the wool comes off your eyes. Instead of tagging along with a man already taken deceiving yourself that you have him in the balls, why not work on your self-esteem. Why play along thinking you can survive for two months and then start asking for more after then? He told you he was taken, why would you think he will make that clear to you? You don’t think it’s because he doesn’t want you to start asking for more? Don’t be too gullible to read between the lines. Be wise, you deserve better than being the side order (for you’re only there to pass time while the main dish is being prepared). Focus on being the main dish because in truth that is where your heart really wants to be. Nobody wants to be single, stop lying to you.

Some people are not lucky enough to be told that they are side chics which is unfortunate, but you will know if you are not number one on his agenda. A friend called me up a long while ago and was talking about this dude that did not give her as much attention as she deemed fit, she was so stressed up about it that she had to ask him if he was running another relationship with someone else, he initially said he wasn’t but after a few days she brought up the topic again this time with much anguish and he admitted to having a girlfriend who wasn’t in the country. My friend was distraught, for a few months he ignored her much more than she did him and went straight back to him when he decided to beg her forgiveness. I asked my friend if her said lover still had a girlfriend and she acted confused, she wasn’t sure anymore but she doesn’t think so. We discussed on how silly she was to continue with the relationship and put herself in such a situation, first because he never defined the relationship as he refused to give her the girlfriend title and second because he still didn’t give her as much attention as she wanted. We concluded she should let it go, I hope she has.

To make anything work for you, you have to stand your ground, you should either be in or nowhere near the house, you cannot afford to lurk around in the dark, it gets cold out there and sooner or later you would not only want the warmth of being inside the house but you would actually need it. Don’t go convincing yourself that you’re a good girl and that it’s the first time and the worst thing you’ve ever done, that wouldn’t help mend your eventual wounded heart. Moreover if he’s cheating with you, he is cheating on you, get that clear. So the opinion that you are not the main chic and therefore not being cheated on is totally flawed. When he is not giving you 100% of his time but giving you 20% and someone else 80% isn’t that clear cheating? Because unfortunately, you're giving your all so in other words, he’s not only cheating on you, but you’re also cheating yourself.