HoGWaSh!

Been back in Nigeria-Africa 5years now and I still get perplexed on so many things and just can't seen to wrap my head around them. For the purpose of why we all are on this blog let me stick to the love aspect of my culture shock. I noticed that the Nigerian people love marriages but not for love’s sake. Its like the full definition of marriage here has absolutely nothing to do with love. The sad part of these is that I look around and so many homes operate more like a dormitory than a healthy loving family home. A lot of children around here have never seen their parents kiss, a lot more have never even heard the simple words ‘I love you’ said in their homes. How is enduring hardship and depression the definition of a good wife? In my opinion, the main reason for this is the cultural prison we tend to lock ourselves in.

A lot of couples are sadly just getting by than living a fulfilling marital life. Many wives cannot say they love their husbands and ironically they cant even think of leaving him either. A lot of men have turned to adultery to give them the solace they lack from living with the emptiness they feel when they are home. I personally think its the crab mentality of pulling people down that has embedded itself into our culture. Take for instance a mother not wanting her daughter to marry a man from another ethnic group with a different culture or from a different country for love’s sake because she didn’t marry for love’s sake or a mother-in-law who cannot simply stand the love and affection her son is giving to his wife because she wasn’t fortunate to experience such. I just think cultural difference is used as an excuse for disapproval rather than a defence for concern.

When will we learn to embrace happiness instead of grieve? We see many people stuck in marriages after an outrageous display of wealth on their ceremony day. Stuck in the deadlock of unhappiness and depression all because they tried to make everyone else happy but themselves. Isn’t it time to start inter-marrying having failed miserably over numerous years to achieve the perfect marriage through these medium? I get really confused though to be honest asking myself if people here consider being happy in a marriage as luxury? Or am I clouded by my own happiness I lost track of reality? I am going to say these; do not ever marry anyone you do not love: not for money, not for convenience, not comfort, not for satisfying your parents’ alter ego and definitely never for cultural seasons.

That claptrap hasn’t worked so far in terms of the means to keeping people happy so please away with it, at the end of the day it’s the individual that matters. By all means if the love of your life and soul mate hails from the next hut next to your father’s hut in the village then please go ahead but do not make that your criteria for marriage proposals. I have friends who sneer at the thought of ever marrying outside their tribe or ethnicity and it makes me so broken hearted, I keep thinking how can one with so much education and exposure be so narrow minded? Why would you subject yourself to such mediocrity when there are so many fine gentle men out there willing to treat you like queen? I say enough of depriving yourself of goodness, you deserve every good that pops its head for you, don’t push it back down.

Unconsciously we all write off advances based on our thinking it would never work out. So allow me say this; broaden your thinking, widen your horizon, settle into a fresh, clean, pure mindset about life and love and see how far it takes you. So many people are single today because they have refused to take a diversity plunge and give love in diversity a chance. Only if I want to lie to you will I tell you that I have never had such mindset in the past, in fact, I passed on two advances when I was younger  just because they weren’t the same skin color as me. That’s really awful thinking, honestly and I advice you to digress from such thinking. Thankfully my husband is the love of my life and happiness, though, he's from the same country as me but not of the same ethnicity, I guess love showed me some mercy. Let me just stress that you keep your mind open, look out for partners that support you, that care about you, that care for you and partners that go that extra mile just to put a smile on your face. When that partner comes, settle in with them and let love take over.

Secret Lovers

The worst thing any human can do is lie to themselves. When love has knocked you down instead of basking in the glory of  ‘I was too much of a woman for him’, 'he couldn’t handle all these beauty', 'he’s insecurity of me being better than him got the most of him' or 'he doesn’t really love her, he’s just there for safety his heart belongs to me he admitted it'. Why don’t you start by being honest with yourself, because you wouldn't be the first and last person to lose out on love.

In as much as you may disagree with me; love is not a game. People try to play on love but love itself is not a game and I think men realise this much more than women do. A man will most of the time marry who he loves but lie to you that you have his heart just so you can keep him in your good books. No one ever wants to be the bad person, we all thrive to maintain a good profile in the world; to be more acceptable, to be more appealing, because somehow that gives us fulfilment of our very existence and unfortunately the men seem to understand this much more than the woman.

Let me ask a question; How can it ever be love when you are the one in the dark? Are you a demon? Growing up I was made to understand that evil is the only thing that lurks in the dark and in the shadows of the night. So I am not sure why you will want to have a relationship in the dark with a man that has another relationship in the light and still think you in the dark are the one most loved. Ever heard of sin? Its most done in the dark and it's sweeter than living righteous but even while enjoying your sinful ways you are conscious of the fact that it will lead you to utter damnation so your battle for a righteous life begins and good mostly prevails over evil.

Deep illustration but that’s the only way my mind is describing it this morning. Let me ask another question; why would you want to be a secret sin? Do you not classify yourself worthy enough to be in the light? The woman in the light is exactly like you. All your body parts are in place just like her and in most cases you are even more beautiful than she is, so why degrade yourself so low as to be a sub? You are woman, you are queen, not a house slave, you should control your own castle not sneak around someone’s turf because a man is deceiving you into believing you have his heart. If you really have his heart then you should share his world in the light for everyone to see and not just in dark alleys.

Here’s my take; If a man is in a relationship and claims you have his heart then let him do the right thing, let him get over and done with his relationship, clear his head for 4-6months before re-proposing a relationship with you. If you make him believe he can eat his cake and have it, not only will he eat his cake and have it, he will also start taking opportunity cost notes and measuring you two side by side and before you know it, he will decide ‘the grass is not always greener in the neighbor’s garden’, leaving you in limbo. Why not stop making excuses for your happiness and for love’s sake stop making excuses for these men.

tHaT oTHer WomAn

Ever thought of the dilemma of the other woman; her misery; her agony; her lost love; her hidden pain or her disapproval of your happiness? Today I am thinking of the other woman and no I don’t have such in my life but my thoughts go out to them. Am thinking of that woman your husband has kids with, the one before you. The woman he promised the heavens to but fulfilled those promises to you instead, the one that once made you the other woman only for the story to end in your favour. Today, am thinking of keeping relationships right with that woman.

Am not sure why women are wired the way we are but we seem to have zero tolerance for competition unlike the men. There is no such thing as healthy competition when it comes to we women, in fact competition with the other woman is laced with so much evil the mind cannot comprehend. The statement ‘hell hath no fury like a woman scorned’ should be understood literarily.  However, there is no reason why you shouldn’t respect and love genuinely a woman that was there before you and shares blood with the man you call your husband, if not for anything, for compassions sake.

Most women have had the opportunity to know what a broken heart feels like…nobody needs to tell us how much it hurts. Now imagine you causing another a broken heart…I know there’s the argument that it’s the man’s fault or maybe partially the woman’s fault for not knowing how to keep a man and since you know how to keep a man she needs to leave your tuff completely and forever. Let me say this; no matter how much you try, if another woman has kids for your man especially when she was there before you, she will forever share your tuff whether from just a mile or 100,000miles away…take it or leave it; she’s there and always will be.

Why am I writing or thinking about this? This is what I think; it will be much easier to show the other woman a little compassion, for no one likes to lose and everybody wants to love and be loved in return. Unfortunately this other woman has lost both ways and you cannot begin to imagine her struggles and pain having to take care of a child of a man that has his heart with another especially when she had him first. No matter how impossible or frustrating this woman might want to make your life seem, you have to be a little bit understanding of where she is coming from. We are women we know where it hurts the most.

I guess what I am saying here is we need to support and love one another more and stop being so resentful towards each other. I mean these resentments go beyond sharing a man, it streams all the way down to just a beautiful woman walking across the street from us and without even knowing her story or who she is we already don’t like her and are subconsciously looking for flaws to make ourselves more glorified than she looks. It really doesn’t have to be that way. You will find that the more you love and are happy for people, the more you feel love and happiness in you own life, and quite frankly all this hate for other women is what actually makes cheating much easier for men because instead of focusing energy on the one who actually did the hurting, we instead focus on the woman leaving the man almost blameless and giving him room to cheat some more. 

Life, love, and happiness are gifts God has allowed us to give to ourselves but these gifts are give and take. You can’t get any until you give out some, if you have another woman sharing space with you just as I’ve discussed above, try showing love and watch how it turns out. I can guarantee that even your man will have a new formed respect and love for you and the other woman will try her possible best not to stress up things for you.

Have a very lovely week, lets work on loving more no matter how much it hurts to do so. Because by so doing your are buying love for yourself and in this cruel world we live, we need all the love we can get. Xoxo.

RIDICULOUS THINGS WE DO IN/FOR LOVE

Oh menh! Its been too long...no inspiration no muse nothing. I guess I have happiness block! SMH. I once heard Adele the singer say that when she is too happy she cannot make music period! Of course am paraphrasing but you get the point. yea? yes!

Well something came to mind about two days ago whilst I was reading one of Shakespeare's novels 'The taming of the shrew' and how ridiculous some of us act for love. It took me back to my own foolishness, gosh! I cannot comprehend it now but back then it made too much sense.

I remember literally praying, fasting and sobbing to God to please make me taller and a whole lot leaner so I could be deemed fit for my then boyfriend. You see he is 6'3 tall and I am a mere 5'2 tall, barely! When I say I took my prayers to God so seriously am not joking. I believed I was in love, I seriously did though but something at the back of my mind always told me I was in the wrong relationship. I took my madness further by researching what could be done to gain height and found that it was possible somewhere in china where they could break the legs, add metal into them and give or take 3-4 years it would be totally healed giving you brand new height. Believe me that was good news and even better that there was a guy who had done it. Viola! I found a cure to my love craze'  the only thing left was finding the time to embark on the wonderful journey.

It goes without saying that that was a terribly relationship that would have lead to the road of perdition if I wasn't already on it, it was also one filled with deceits from a disloyal partner. Wasn't too long after that I found out he was cheating and worse; it was like I suddenly went from the only chic to the side chic. This was someone that had introduced me to all his family members as his wife to be, I remember his mother use to call my mum quite often just for chats. Thank God for courage to move on and say 'no this is not what I want for my life'. The only compensation I got from that situation is that he never gave up trying to get back with me for 4years and it took me relocating to a different country for him to give up completely. Although one thing was certain, I never looked back or ever even considered getting back with him. Thank God for having my back on that one.

Wow! This wasn't even meant to be a post, I actually just came to ask the question, SO.., do tell,

WHAT IS THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING YOU'VE DONE FOR THE SAKE OF LOVE?

I've shared mine can't wait to read about yours.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Well...another year just crept right up on us. I wasn't ready...lol! I thank God for the beginning of
another race...let the declarations begin. My 2014 started with a  bang. I raced to the gym, lost quite a lot of weight and by November I gained it all back....oh the struggle, now weight lost comes up on the 'to do list' yet again, how disappointing can this be? But hang on, it didn't all turn out so bad, 2014 had some very good deeds in it.

2014 remains my most traveled year yet. my life was spent in five countries throughout the year and it wasn't even for work, all fun and games. so I thank God for His provisions and for health and for protection and for mercy.

In 2014 I got water baptised to the glory of God. I was immersed in living water and honestly its a memory I will cherish and guard in my heart for eternity. Quite an experience, one I don't intend to forget.

I owned my very first car in 2014, though I had been driving before then, there was always a car to
drive but never in my own name. Not a big deal you might say but the very first car I ever owned so happened to be a brand new car. Now thats very special and of great significance to me and I pray God will continue to exceed my expectations of the promises He has for my life.

I stepped up my career in 2014 I added PMP to my career advancement so yes am a Project Management Professional. Thank God! With all the travelling one would find it hard to imagine how I found time to even study for my exams but I did...I worked very hard indeed... I covered my books 3times in 2months and by the time I got to the exams I was literally chilling. I have to say I put in a lot of prayers and work into doing it. Failure was just not an option. I remember doing a mock after I had covered my books twice and getting 77% I almost cried myself to sleep that night, 77 just wasn't good enough I wanted so much more so I woke up the very next day and started from scratch. I give glory to God for strength, wisdom, knowledge and understanding.

2015 will be a greater year...this year will be a year of blessings for all of us. The human mind is very
strong, whatever you charge yourself with you can do, the secret is to keep at it, don't give up, don't listen to discouragements, don't worry about losing friends its all for the better for you because you need all the concentration you can get. There will be times when you will be tired, tired, very tired of trying don't worry about it, take a short break, rejuvenate yourself and get back on that hustle has quickly as you can, never take a long break, work hard towards reaching you goal, work very hard and pray harder. As I write these words I also encourage myself in the process. Always put God first and never ever be afraid of change.

Happy New Year xxx