HoGWaSh!

Been back in Nigeria-Africa 5years now and I still get perplexed on so many things and just can't seen to wrap my head around them. For the purpose of why we all are on this blog let me stick to the love aspect of my culture shock. I noticed that the Nigerian people love marriages but not for love’s sake. Its like the full definition of marriage here has absolutely nothing to do with love. The sad part of these is that I look around and so many homes operate more like a dormitory than a healthy loving family home. A lot of children around here have never seen their parents kiss, a lot more have never even heard the simple words ‘I love you’ said in their homes. How is enduring hardship and depression the definition of a good wife? In my opinion, the main reason for this is the cultural prison we tend to lock ourselves in.

A lot of couples are sadly just getting by than living a fulfilling marital life. Many wives cannot say they love their husbands and ironically they cant even think of leaving him either. A lot of men have turned to adultery to give them the solace they lack from living with the emptiness they feel when they are home. I personally think its the crab mentality of pulling people down that has embedded itself into our culture. Take for instance a mother not wanting her daughter to marry a man from another ethnic group with a different culture or from a different country for love’s sake because she didn’t marry for love’s sake or a mother-in-law who cannot simply stand the love and affection her son is giving to his wife because she wasn’t fortunate to experience such. I just think cultural difference is used as an excuse for disapproval rather than a defence for concern.

When will we learn to embrace happiness instead of grieve? We see many people stuck in marriages after an outrageous display of wealth on their ceremony day. Stuck in the deadlock of unhappiness and depression all because they tried to make everyone else happy but themselves. Isn’t it time to start inter-marrying having failed miserably over numerous years to achieve the perfect marriage through these medium? I get really confused though to be honest asking myself if people here consider being happy in a marriage as luxury? Or am I clouded by my own happiness I lost track of reality? I am going to say these; do not ever marry anyone you do not love: not for money, not for convenience, not comfort, not for satisfying your parents’ alter ego and definitely never for cultural seasons.

That claptrap hasn’t worked so far in terms of the means to keeping people happy so please away with it, at the end of the day it’s the individual that matters. By all means if the love of your life and soul mate hails from the next hut next to your father’s hut in the village then please go ahead but do not make that your criteria for marriage proposals. I have friends who sneer at the thought of ever marrying outside their tribe or ethnicity and it makes me so broken hearted, I keep thinking how can one with so much education and exposure be so narrow minded? Why would you subject yourself to such mediocrity when there are so many fine gentle men out there willing to treat you like queen? I say enough of depriving yourself of goodness, you deserve every good that pops its head for you, don’t push it back down.

Unconsciously we all write off advances based on our thinking it would never work out. So allow me say this; broaden your thinking, widen your horizon, settle into a fresh, clean, pure mindset about life and love and see how far it takes you. So many people are single today because they have refused to take a diversity plunge and give love in diversity a chance. Only if I want to lie to you will I tell you that I have never had such mindset in the past, in fact, I passed on two advances when I was younger  just because they weren’t the same skin color as me. That’s really awful thinking, honestly and I advice you to digress from such thinking. Thankfully my husband is the love of my life and happiness, though, he's from the same country as me but not of the same ethnicity, I guess love showed me some mercy. Let me just stress that you keep your mind open, look out for partners that support you, that care about you, that care for you and partners that go that extra mile just to put a smile on your face. When that partner comes, settle in with them and let love take over.