BE IN CONTROL.

When I look at relationships, especially marriages I see that most times the difference between a very successful married woman and a housewife somehow, somewhat boils down to the man’s insecurity. A lot of men don’t take it very well when they see their women doing well and the likelihood of the woman doing better forces some men to tame their wives into becoming redundant and sole dependent on them. Don’t go and be believing that it is because he is madly in love with you and that's why he doesn't want you to work, for just like a plant in which you have to water in order for it to grow, it also has to grow to keep you interested in watering it. I strongly believe that man’s greatest fear is his woman getting carried away on who the head is in the home. It is your duty as a woman to secure, protect and massage your man's ego enough to make you live a fulfilling life and have a peaceful happy home. You can run a successful empire and still maintain a very happy home by being a good planner and keeping at the back of your mind that you are still the woman in the home.

Lets think about it this way, say you are married to the most caring man, loving and totally giving but the only thing is he wants you to be a stay at home parent, making your duty taking care of the babies and preparing meals. If you will rather do that then that’s absolutely fine but if you are not happy with the idea of doing that then don’t be complacent about it. Communication is key: so have a series of discussions about the situation, strike a deal with him to let him see you are adamant about staying home and if he still insists,  register for professional courses and take professional exams or start a petty trade business, you persistence will make him eventually realise that your passions are relevant to. Don’t just accept and stay home without doing something that will generate income, do anything to make him understand that you really don’t want to be a stay at home parent and that you will enjoy making some money too.

Imagine this; there is no profession or business your man is in that he wouldn’t have a female colleague who is equally married and is even as active if not more active than him. She probably competes on every level with the men and is thoroughly admired by them including your man. There is no way a part of him will not compare her to you at some point in his heart especially if she is a very decent hardworking woman. Then maybe he is driving home thinking of how brilliant this woman is one day and how totally lucky/proud her husband must be, what do you think his thoughts will be when he comes home and as soon as he walks in the door you greet him with a sweaty face and strong smell of food talking about how hectic your day as been? I predict ‘irritation’! and before you know it you end up having a heated argument to the point where both of you have no idea why you are fighting and this can linger on and off with different anger triggers for as long as the root cause of the problem remains. 

It is in your place as a woman to give your man something to be proud of you for to keep the fire burning and the same goes for the men too. Trust men to say whatever when they are head over heels in love like ‘baby I don’t want you to work/suffer, I just want you to take good care of you but the reality of it is that he will get tired of bearing all the burden as anybody would and all that sweetness will gradually turn sour when reality sets in. Though the initial intension may have been pure but life will always bring up challenges and in those challenges everyone needs a shoulder to lean on. Remember that even if you came out of university with a first class if you don’t constantly develop yourself, you risk being shoved aside in this fast growing global world we are in. There is no profession too hard for you if you put your mind to it and there is also no profession that doesn’t have women in it, so why would you want to be redundant by limiting yourself?

I have seen quite a number of unhappy women who have fallen into this trap, at the initial stage they are happy and proud that their husbands are the sole providers of the home and speak quite proudly to sometimes make their girlfriends a little jealous but as time goes by they find that they just sit there, nag for money and wait till it is given. Unfortunately, they’re already in so deep and possibly to late to want to start competing in the professional/financial/business world. In fact bringing up such a conversation with the man at this stage will seem like a joke with every possibility of him laughing in your face. So the earlier you have these ironed out in your relationship, the better. A man will say anything when he is ‘nookie high’ it is in your best interest to maintain the fact that you are not comfortable just being a house wife (thats if you are not) and totally dependent on him. There is no joy your man will have like him knowing when the chips are down he can fall back on you for the main time while waiting for things to build up again. It brings you two closer, as partners, lovers and support systems, so please get up your lazy behinds and find something/anything legal and clean and lucrative to do. 

MANIPULATION*

You see…people who are good with words can get away with most things they want and they strive in relationships. Picture someone saying ‘I care a lot about you…a lot’ but you two are still not in a relationship. So now because the other party ‘cares a lot about you’ you run with that and end up doing what lovers do except this is not love boo, you’ve been pushed into a tight corner and before you know it your relationship status is ‘it’s complicated. No it’s not, you’ve just been manipulated.

The worse kinds are emotional manipulations, where your heart just gets tortured based on the fact that you believe this individual truly cares about you. Do you know that sometimes when you break up with someone it’s not you really breaking up? Sometimes you were manipulated into doing the breakup maybe because the other party was so bored of the relationship and didn’t know how to tell you or vice-versa. Like Chrisette Michele sang in ‘blame it on me…as long as it’s over’, all the while you thought they were acting funny that might have just been another one of their tactics to get you frustrated into leaving. This just makes me remember one time I was dating some dude in college and frankly there was no point cos we lived very far from each other and went to different colleges. I was bored of it all but he was such a nice guy and having tried everything I could to manipulate this dude into breaking up with me and even lying that I kissed some other dude just because, he still wasn’t getting it. Unfortunately after a few months I had to come out straight and just tell him that I was done. Not the nicest way but it is what it is, everyone gets broken hearted… I’ve cried my share of broken hearted tears too. So hey!

Back to the plot, I’ve seen women who have been manipulated so bad that they can’t even see the smoke even if it was on top of their nose. I use to know one girl that would spend all she had on a guy that cared nothing about her. I noticed he was only nice to her whenever he wanted something like a week before he comes to see her and when he comes into town to spend a few days with her, those few days she’ll take him on shopping sprees and buy him lots and lots of designer gears. He’ll treat her like the queen of queens only for him to leave in a few days and their story would go sour again. Money has been one of the major backbones for manipulators and has played a major role in love. Honestly, the unofficial/unspoken/abominable language of love is money and it works both ways. If you know how to spend it, you would never run short on love and if you know how to manipulate your way into someone who has its’ life, you can never run short on ways to love.

The Ultimate is when someone is clearly willing to be manipulated just because they want to remain in love. The greatest human love you can ever have is self-love, I don’t know how much more I need to say this but if it takes me saying this with every post I write I will. Once you can carved a niche for yourself to be loved by you at all times, love becomes sweeter. People will take you for what you take yourself to be; If for instance you decide to sleep with anyone because they said ‘I love you, you’re going be eventually labelled a slut by quite a number of people and If you decide to be miss independent every time, you’re going to remain independent for a very long time because the signal you are sending is ‘you don’t need nobody’. I see how there can be a bit of conflict in what I have just written but let me break it down. Simply put, life is in stages and each stage moderately fits into its purpose, this is why a child must crawl before he walks.

When your heart is emotionally unstable and you cannot be without having someone to complete you, its easier for you to jump in bed with one too many persons within a short period because the minute the other party picks up the vibe of insecurity off you, they run with it and before you know it you’re being manipulated into believing what isn’t and sooner or later it becomes ‘complicated’. Nobody wants to be referred to as a slut and a lot of this people being referred to as sluts end up being some of the nicest, loyal and kind hearted people there are but unfortunately the constant struggle to find fulfilment has left them being stigmatised and an obvious target to be manipulated. My take on this? Find fulfilment within yourself. Lol! As always.

For Miss Independent, don’t work yourself to the grave. Note that boredom gives room for depression and depression can sometimes lead to suicide and that ends you in the grave. Finding fulfilment in yourself doesn’t mean shutting everyone else out; it means you are confident enough to make the right judgements for yourself; it means being confident enough to give someone the chance to prove their love, knowing that even if you are in too deep you can find strength to gather your thoughts and make the best decision for yourself; it means being open to love and be loved; it means being able to comfortably communicate your thoughts in order to avoid unnecessary relationship frictions. It does not mean you should have you head up in your ass each time a dude says hello; it doesn’t mean you should feel you are better than everyone else because you have an amazing job; it doesn’t mean that you should always challenge your partner because both of you are bringing home the same size bacon; it doesn’t mean you should always want to take the lead; and it definitely doesn’t mean flashing your wealth in your partner’s face just to spite them. Most importantly you need to enjoy being pampered, everyone knows you can pamper yourself but it is important to let the man be the man otherwise the message you are passing across is ‘you don’t need a man’ and we all know you do, so please loosen up and give those batteries a breather.

Jail Bird

 Ever been in a relationship with a liar? It could be really frustrating when you know everything that comes out of your lover’s mouth is fabricated and even more tormenting when you just can’t call them out. I have a friend who lies so much you can’t but question her very existence; almost like if you poke her with a pin she might disappear because whenever her mouth is curled up to tell a lie I look into her eyes with a peering squint and believe in my head that she is a figment of my imagination. However, in this post I am going to generalise for all of our sakes.  

A few weeks back I was watching a reality program where the lying lover here was the man.The guy told so much lies that he believed his lies and there was no way you wouldn’t believe him too, until a scene came up where his best friend was shot and in hospital on a near death experience.  Unfortunately before then his best friend’s lover confessed to her lover that she had sex with his friend (the lair) before they got together, just to clear the air before they go any further in their relationship.  While on the hospital bed in a near death experience the best friend told his friend (the lair) that he knew about the affair and he wants to put it behind them with no grievances.  Being the pathologically liar he is, this guy looks his friend straight in the eyes and denied anything ever happened even though the girl was seated right there in the room. His best friend was almost as shocked as I was it was just unbelievable. So I ask; have you ever been in a relationship with a pathological liar?

I once dated a liar, this guy will lie and swear on his mother’s life. The problem with dating a liar is they force you to believe their lies and sooner than you think you start questioning your own truth and before you know what’s going on it all gets swept under the rug to add up to the already bulging pile. Unfortunately, the easiest people to enter into a relationship with are liars and the hardest people to come out a relationship with are still lairs. Only because they will say everything on and under the surface of the earth to get you on their side and often time you fall and fall and fall again for their sweet and sour stories. My ex got married and I wasn’t surprised when another friend told me that he mentioned he didn’t know what tribe his wife came from until after they got married. I guess he met his match eh? All the best to the both of them, I wish them a happy lying life. lol!

How does one get out of a lying relationship? Truth be told the only comparison to it is sinking sand or quick

sand or sharp sand whichever one you call it. The more you try to get out the more it pulls you under and with every pull you get dug in deeper, it just gets worse. The saddest part of all these is everyone around you can see that your partner is a lying Pinocchio which you already know but that fast growing nose is blocking the clear vision of your perfect exit. These might well be the worst experience for you yet especially when things can sometimes get cosy and all rosy. Here’s my take; just be truthful and honest with your-self and believe in your truth, to be honest I think that’s the only way, you need to know the truth and stand by it, it’s the only way you wouldn’t get swayed easily. I was lucky enough to know my ex was cheating through some ‘F.B.I scrutiny’ but to be honest I already knew the relationship was going nowhere I just needed a very strong cause (and a saw to chop off that Pinocchio nose trunk) for my exit.

To manage the situation you could consider giving yourself some space from this toxic person, it will help you think clearly at least enough to plan your exit. I have learned that there is no right or wrong way to handle a relationship; what applies to Paul may not necessarily apply to Peter and people handle situations in different ways. Although one thing remains right; your happiness, like I will always say; find your happy spot and remain there so long as you’re happy that’s all that matters but if you are unhappy don’t stay in one position praying for change, you will only remain miserable and in the long run depressed, always remember; change only comes when your change your rotation.

Lasting love*

‘It was a rainy day and Ifeoma had banked on spending the night at Kenneth’s house since it was two stops away from where she was having her interview appointment the following day. Unfortunately, there was no one to open the door and all attempts to contact him had failed; both his phones were switched off. Funny thing is Jide who always knew every of Kenneth’s where-about was lost for words as to where he might be, although interestingly enough his car was sitting there right in the middle of his compound starring back at her. Now the question is where the hell is Kenneth?

I just had to start with that scenario so you get a vivid imagination of the direction of today’s post, it’s not a true story but it’s also not far from the truth. 

It’s been too long since I last blogged… argh… believe it’s been such a busy year thus far haven settled

finally into a very fulfilling/happy marriage and a starting progress into my future plans, I can now rest a bit and gradually come back to the things I love to do just for the fun of it. Whoever said marriage was a bed of roses obviously has never been married but guess what; together you can plant your own roses atop your bed and when you are doing that remember there are also thorns in roses, don’t think you will get a smooth ride every day, just ensure you water your plants so you can bloom so beautifully and the thorns will be easy to forget.

Back to today’s post…how do you handle a cheating partner? Is cheating even supposed to be handled? That was rhetorical. To be honest I will be lying if I told you I knew but one thing I know for sure is that self-confidence will allow you have a clear head on what decision to make. The main assumption of a start of any relationship is a possibility of it leading to marriage and therefore we all base most decisions we make in any relationship we are in in favour of whether or not we want to end up with the person we are in it with. A lot of the time these decisions are based on selfish reasons. I.e. wealth, sex, comfort, freedom, status, acceptance, importance. No need to break them down, am sure we all can think of one or two scenarios where these examples fit in perfectly. However, most of us don’t put into consideration that not everyone that wants to be in a relationship necessarily sees marriage as the goal to reach. Quite a few people in actual fact just want to be in a relationship for the heck of it. That’s where you find the theory of ‘least interest involved’ which is simply that the person least interested in maintaining it will dominate it because they won’t compromise. They will not compromise on their appetite for the opposite sex, they wouldn’t compromise on the time they would like to spend with their friends, they would not compromise on their sleep during stormy nights and they would definitely not compromise on any decision they want to make for themselves.

Take the illustration in the opening of this post; let’s assume that Kenneth knew that Ifeoma had an interview appointment the next day and was to sleep over at his house. By the way, the whole idea is that they are in a relationship. We can also assume that Kenneth knowing all these still decided he wanted a quickie at his house with his colleague from work who always had her eye on him. Now suppose Ifeoma eventually gets to know this, what then is the way forward? If you have ever followed my blog am sure you know by now that I have my take on things, here’s my take; obviously Ifeoma should be gutted for several reasons, one the importance of the reason she was there in the first place, the fact that with was raining, the fact he knew she was coming, the obvious fact that they are supposed to be in an exclusive relationship. Those are the more reasonable line of thought to go by right? Sorry to disappoint you but not everyone thinks this way. If you catch yourself in any type situation like Ifeoma and the first thing you think of is what you did wrong; then you will probably end up in a marriage with a certain Kenneth in a miserable home. If the first thing that crosses your mind is who the girl is and if she’s more beautiful than you then be ready to be a slave in your own home cause unfortunately if you start that way, you will never measure up. 

I think the first thing to do in a situation like this is have clear head, hard as it may be it is very important. Your partner did not think about you when making his/her decision so it’s time to think about yourself. Ensure that at that point in time you focus and deal with the very important things ahead, like your interview, channel your mind on how to plan for your immediate future like getting out the rain, getting home and organising how to make it to your appointment the next day. As for your partner, only you know exactly why you are in a relationship, so make your decision based on that. For all you might know, it could well be that he went home early because of you, was really tired and fell into deep sleep as the rain began. That’s another way of saying be patient enough to explore all possible scenarios before your mind starts to wonder, trust should be paramount in any relationship, always give your partner benefit of doubt.

In other words, enter your relationship with a free mind and see where it leads, it may or may not work but a 

free mind will help you think straight and help you get what exactly you want. You will notice that people who enjoy their relationships the most are those who know exactly what they want. One thing you should never compromise on is your happiness and do not hesitate to let your partner know this; in your ways, in your actions and with your reactions. Know that whatever you choose for your self is what the world identifies you with. If your partner knows that your happiness is key and you don’t compromise it, he/she will have no choice but to do the things that keep you in a happy state. Not to say you should be selfish with it but be reasonable enough not to hurt some else just to keep in your happy state. Never lose yourself completely to any relationship, remember you are an entity on your own, you have to bring something worthwhile into your relationship to make it last. Nobody likes to carry anybody’s burden, give your partner something to be proud of you for, your success is their success and they will brag more about it than you will.