The oTheR wOmAn

I once had a friend, I use the adverb ‘had’ because I have long lost touch with this friend, so I once had a friend who was a serial cheater actually more of a player than a cheater but as he was in a serious relationship I considered him a cheater. My serial cheating friend felt comfortable discussing his girlie issues with me and me being the psychologist always had a way of putting him in therapy sessions without him knowing. Once he threw a question at me asking what end of a relationship I would rather be in; the main or the other chic? There was no thinking about it I answered ‘of course the main but either way I would not tolerate cheating’. However from his numerous experiences with women, he drew the conclusion that a lot of women preferred to be the cheating partner rather than the main chic being cheated on. His analysis came from his strategy; every woman he had dealings with was made fully aware of his main chic and all agreed comfortably to remain in the dark.

I believe there are reasons why chics would rather be on the outside than be on the inside. For one a lot of women do not want their heart broken, they find it more comfortable getting what they want from the outside than being the ‘fool’ on the inside. they believe they’re getting more attention than the main chic, they are having more fun than she is and they are having less stress thinking about who and who he’s fooling around with. They enjoy all of that until they begin to want more and then the crying starts and the game changes. They gradually start to realise that the attention decreases, the need for him to spend more time with her also decreases and the fun they thought they were having isn’t fun anymore. Now they cry more than the bereaved and they want the hold she has on him that makes him so glued to her even when he is constantly pounding them.

You don’t comfortably settle into being the side chic thinking you have the strength for it or you’re gangster so you can handle it. You settle into it because you decided this was the best you could get. The guy sees through all that hard façade and takes full advantage of it before the wool comes off your eyes. Instead of tagging along with a man already taken deceiving yourself that you have him in the balls, why not work on your self-esteem. Why play along thinking you can survive for two months and then start asking for more after then? He told you he was taken, why would you think he will make that clear to you? You don’t think it’s because he doesn’t want you to start asking for more? Don’t be too gullible to read between the lines. Be wise, you deserve better than being the side order (for you’re only there to pass time while the main dish is being prepared). Focus on being the main dish because in truth that is where your heart really wants to be. Nobody wants to be single, stop lying to you.

Some people are not lucky enough to be told that they are side chics which is unfortunate, but you will know if you are not number one on his agenda. A friend called me up a long while ago and was talking about this dude that did not give her as much attention as she deemed fit, she was so stressed up about it that she had to ask him if he was running another relationship with someone else, he initially said he wasn’t but after a few days she brought up the topic again this time with much anguish and he admitted to having a girlfriend who wasn’t in the country. My friend was distraught, for a few months he ignored her much more than she did him and went straight back to him when he decided to beg her forgiveness. I asked my friend if her said lover still had a girlfriend and she acted confused, she wasn’t sure anymore but she doesn’t think so. We discussed on how silly she was to continue with the relationship and put herself in such a situation, first because he never defined the relationship as he refused to give her the girlfriend title and second because he still didn’t give her as much attention as she wanted. We concluded she should let it go, I hope she has.

To make anything work for you, you have to stand your ground, you should either be in or nowhere near the house, you cannot afford to lurk around in the dark, it gets cold out there and sooner or later you would not only want the warmth of being inside the house but you would actually need it. Don’t go convincing yourself that you’re a good girl and that it’s the first time and the worst thing you’ve ever done, that wouldn’t help mend your eventual wounded heart. Moreover if he’s cheating with you, he is cheating on you, get that clear. So the opinion that you are not the main chic and therefore not being cheated on is totally flawed. When he is not giving you 100% of his time but giving you 20% and someone else 80% isn’t that clear cheating? Because unfortunately, you're giving your all so in other words, he’s not only cheating on you, but you’re also cheating yourself.

GoodBye.

Goodbye may be the saddest word you think you’ll ever hear but goodbye could be the one word that may save your happiness. Those who follow my blog will know now that happiness is all I preach. Long-time fulfilment in any relationship you are in and you will also learn that gaining that happiness is to not compromise your actual joy for the ‘idea’ of happiness. Staying in a painful relationship for four years long just because he was prince charming in the first year and a half of you dating and hoping that you can change him is the greatest mirth you can ever hoax yourself with. If are not in a marriage, what exactly are you holding on to and for? Here’s a man that has cheated more than once, slapped you in the face at least three times and guilt tripped you forty times in one year. My question is what is your idea of happiness; Eighteen months of romance and thirty months of battery; emotional or otherwise?

A lot of people will say love is the strangest thing because when you’re in love there are no limits to what you can take or do, contrary to what you already know to be wrong or right love. The greatest love that should ever be should be love for yourself (love your neighbour as you love yourself, not love yourself as you love your neighbour: so put yourself first). You might look in the mirror and admire yourself on a daily basis but deep down, thinking about it, do you really love yourself? Do you love yourself well enough to make sure that you don’t hurt your heart? Do you love yourself enough not to be an emotional wreck? Do you love yourself enough to make sure that you guarantee yourself true happiness? Not the kind that you show people in public but in-doors you’re a saddest but the kind of love strong enough to seek truth and pull out of that broken relationship? Or would you just wallow in it because it looks good from the outside and no one will notice the dark circles under your eyes? Putting other people’s happiness before your own doesn’t make you kind and sweet as you have made yourself belief, it will only make you miserable and in tears. 

Looking around and about a lot of individuals fall for the’ idea’ of what they think happiness should be and put their ‘actual’ happiness in jeopardy. I spoke to a friend recently and apparently ‘marriage’ for her was ideal happiness not minding if whoever proposing was someone she could love for eternity of even live happily with. In a nutshell that was what was gathered from the whole conversation. I immediately felt more sad than sorry for her because here was someone trying to put her whole life into a belief that will quickly fade as soon as the ‘I dos’ are said. The ‘idea of love’ sells much more than love itself, the flowers, the candles, the cant sleep at night because I miss you, taking you on a holiday and proposing. Yes that’s sweet, but after all the paparazzi what’s left? What’s the communication like? Are you on the same wave length? Is someone feeling used and the other abused? It’s good that we practice some of what we see on romantic comedies however if your lover is not your friend then you are in for ‘unhappy ever after’ because when the paparazzi flashlights go dim it’s you and your other half alone in the dark, no cameras, no flashlights no actions, just the both of you with no movie scenes to play role in.  

Understood that we are all different individuals coming and going through different walks of life but when your relationship is more of ‘master and slave ship’ than of ‘relating with each other in one common ship’ with a common ground and mutual respect balance then someone is eating of the fat cow while the other is begging for crumbs and that’s going to be one rocking ride with a destination that will numb your spirit. A lot of tyrants hide behind religious curtains to bend the submission rule, forgetting that before submission is mentioned love was at the forefront. They cut straight to the ‘wives submit to your husbands’ part and forget to show love. Love is not providing for your family, that is ‘duty’, love is to respect and to hold in high esteem at all times. If you find yourself feeling cheated and slighted in your relationship and knowing fully well in your heart that you are more sad than happy irrespective of what others might say or think, then your need to change course and navigate your happiness. Suicide is not the way out; it will only mean you died unhappy and trust me, you don’t hate yourself that much, unless except you think you do and am telling you now…you don’t.

TOO INTERESTED TO STAY INVOLVED

Terrence Howard pointed out on one of his tracks that ‘in every relationship there is this factor of least interest involved, meaning the person least interested maintaining it will dominate it ‘cause they won’t compromise’. That statement rang true when I was watching one of MTV’s reality shows ‘being Ryan’ following the life of a young 18year skateboard pro ‘Ryan’.  Ryan, after dreaming of the perfect girl finally got her and started his first ever relationship but then it all got too much for him and he broke it off. Her flaw? She was too interested and put in much more than he did into making their relationship work and instead of compromising or reciprocating, he broke it off.  His excuse? He was too young to start thinking about how to keep her as happy as she kept him; more or less. So it ended in the most famous relationship break-up cliché; it’s not you, it’s me…I don’t deserve you...you’re too good for me. I say bullshit, you’re just not interested. 

How interested is too interested? You may think you are mature, you don’t play games, you know what you want and you go for it. News flash; the world is full of sorrowful people and the heart of man is naturally evil. It takes only the brave to receive in good faith kindness for no reason. When you’re extremely good to another individual put aside lovers for now, they become scared and they start to wonder what it is you truly want. The average human heart wants something in return for anything they give. So if you’re giving and giving and still giving, you will put the other party on edge. Back to lovers; this is why you shouldn’t put all your cards on the table at once; it scares your lover away, if you claim to be as mature as you proclaim you would know that you should always give your lover little enough for he/she to want more so that he /she don’t get bored too quickly and so that they long to know what more you have in store.

I have painfully witnessed a lot of very good guys get turned down over and over again not because of anything but the fact that they are 'too good'. This statement should not be misconstrued, am not saying you shouldn’t be good, all I am saying is there is time for everything. There are some things you’re not obliged to do at the start of any relationship, always give time and space enough for the other person to appreciate you. For instance why would a girl miss you when you never stop calling, texting, visiting, face-booking, skyping, emailing, re-tweeting her tweets, liking her instagram pictures, yahoo messaging her, all in one day? Unfortunately, when she starts avoiding you, you go into you mood and start acting the victim, disturbing her with questions like 'why do good girls like bad boys'? She doesn’t give a hoot about why good girls like bad boys… she just wants to breathe, is that ok with you?  It’s like everywhere she turns, you are there, be easy with it, let her fall smoothly into the comfort of your company.

It is also really sad when girls have it all wrapped up in their heads that they are ‘wife material’ and therefore all they live for is act out the wife role. Why? Does it make any sense acting wife when you are still single with no boyfriend? Are you trying to jump before you scrawl? To make it even worse all the friends you classify ‘whore material’ are getting married everyday leaving you brawling with tears each time you open your Facebook page. It’s a wonder how you the wife have not quite gotten to being the wife yet. Why would you meet a guy today and start selling yourself like you are on the money market? In your thirty minutes conversation, he already knows you are a fantastic cook, all the outing you do is church outing, you refuse to have many friends as you claim they influence you, you are clean to a fault and the market is your favourite sports centre. Next day you’re cooking in his kitchen, before he comes back from the local shop down the road, you have wiped his house clean, re-arranged his living room, set his table ready for food. Who told you there was a wife job opening at his house? The truth is it’s not being superwoman that qualifies you good enough to be his wife. I know a few women who don’t even cook and they are married happily, you enter some women’s houses and you can’t even find a place to sit because they are so untidy but they are happily married. Now you can cook, clean and look fly all at the same time but you also have to remember, little drops of water make a mighty ocean.

In a relationship, you are not out to impress anybody, taking it one stride at a time, enjoying it while it last and not giving all yourself all at once is what makes it work.  You should always live some in the bag for insurance purposes, that reservoir will save you a spot on the wagon that will journey you down the aisle.

YOU DROPPED YOUR DIAMOND AND PICKED UP A NICKLE...

You just got smoked! I mean now that the mists is clearing from your face you realise your ex-girlfriend was actually the one for you, the only difference is you are now married to another.

Some men too get carried away easily and in as much as we presume them to be better judges on where their happiness lies (partly due to the fact that the progression of the relationship into marriage is left solely to them); they do make blunders  sometimes too. Women have become more desperate that their craft in deceiving men into believing they are the ultimate has seriously improved. So now you are sitting at a lounge sipping on a glass of something with your friends and secretly dreading getting up to go home, for what was once your dream is now your worst nightmare.

You need to be more careful when choosing your bride most especially if she is one that successfully snatched you from your previous very committed relationship. If she’s capable of doing that, then believe she is capable of doing anything. You may try to convince yourself that you were never really in love with your ex but also remember that in as much as you weren’t ‘in love’ as you gladly put it, you didn’t notice until the other woman came into your life and everything changed and before you knew it, you met the bone of your bone and the flesh of your flesh. Isn’t it mysterious to you how now that bone has become the thorn in your swollen flesh?

Agreed! Your ex changed down the line; she wasn’t acting fully committed no more, she became too relaxed and was not paying much attention to her body like she did when you first met so you got bored. Now let’s go back in time; when you met initially you use to take her out very often and she had so many reasons to pay close attention to how she looked but you gradually stopped and your fun places turned into football games with the guys (which she eventually got tired of), weddings (which initially gave her high hopes of getting married and eventual depression when you weren’t saying anything on that line). When you met; you didn’t have any problems with her make-up, her choice of weave and her dress-code but along the line her makeup now became too much for you, why she spends so much on weave you often complained and why her skirt was too short you muttered. So in an attempt to please you, she gradually withered away.

Men you have to take time out to actually think and decide on what you really want, take note that there is a thin line between flexing your ego and taking a true stand on what tickles your fancy. There is no sense in giving your woman set rules to abide to and then going ahead to flirt and have a fling with another woman who abhors all those pet-peeves you claim to have. How can you hate Brazilian weave so much on your girl and the girl that catches your eyes outside first is the one sporting the longest inch? Does it make any sense to even you? You don’t have to make these things up to see how far your strength can go with your woman,  only to eventually find her unattractive. Just be true to yourself and she will see you as more man than any other, it will save you from making awful decisions.

So now you are married to the next girl, the one that captured your heart and captivated your spirits, the one that you stopped picking your exs' calls for, the one that got you lying and stuttering more often than a speech impaired. She was love at first sight though you had to battle with the guilt of lying to your then girl initially but that guilt slowly faded away and was replaced with a burden you had to off-load 'fast' because this girl was everything you ever wanted. She was fly, smart, witty, sociable, fun and hard-working, more like everything your girl was 4 years ago. This is it, this is what you have been looking for you say to yourself, she reminds you of your girl and when you fell in love with her and so you decide you want this for the rest of your life. Do you now have it for the rest of your life? No! Because once you got in deep enough to let your ex go and marry this one, your ego started playing tricks on you again but unfortunately for you this time; you married a crazy one and she just isn’t having that.

Therefore you need to be more careful and true to yourself…there is nothing like your happiness, you have to focus on what makes you happy and be careful not to get too carried away with displaying power, it is this that truly tears most relationships apart. Don’t be too scared to show your soft side to your woman, she is your woman and trust me, it makes you more man to her than you will ever imagine, after all we are all human.