WHEN YOU’RE TOO STUCK IN LOVE TO LET IT GO

The most comment I got from my last post was ‘easier written than done’ more or less. The truth is everything you put your mind to you can do. Am not claiming to be strong but I know one thing for certain, I love myself too much to stay in misery for the rest of my life and so should you. I remember when I was broken-hearted I had never witnessed anything of that sort in my life prior to that, the pain was ‘frigging’ unbearable but I bore it enough not to go back to my ex, I did not stop crying for eighteen months even in the midst of him begging, his mum still calling, his step dad speaking with me, I knew if I go back, I would get trapped and trapped was the last thing I wanted for myself. He tried to get back for four years and for four years I couldn’t just allow myself to be roped in. Don’t get yourself roped, you will find the love that is just for you.

Everybody is replaceable

And that includes you  so have that at the back of your mind the next time someone tries to play you for a fool because of all the love you have to give, get out quick before you become webbed and too tangled to cut yourself off. No matter how hard it might be, you just have to do this for yourself, there’s a truth to the saying ‘time heals all wound’.  Irrespective of what you programmed your mind to think-you choose who you love. The only unconditional love is the love of God to his people, not even your family, as a lot of people actually fall out of love with certain family members and only accommodate them because they feel it is the right thing to do. So if you chose to fall in love with anyone, you most definitely have the power to fall out of love with them as you choose. Although the most worrying situation for me is how you still believe you’re in love with someone who clearly has no regard for your love anyhow.

You don’t have to stay with someone that makes you cry

If you find yourself crying yourself to sleep every other night don’t you think it is time for you to leave that relationship? Or you have a boyfriend you’re too scared to call because you don’t know how he would react? Or you’re in a relationship you have no clue on how to define?  When a guy rates you highly in his heart, you wouldn’t need anyone to convince you about him, he obviously will be all over you. Am not talking in the first 2months after you meet am talking after 7months and above because in as much as you lie to yourself that he is head over heels for you in the first two months of your meeting, everyone feels that way. Those months don’t count, that is the honeymoon/get in your knickers period. For you; you’re daydreaming of love, affection and romance, for him; he just wants to get into your knickers and see if it’s really worth the chase. I have friends who say that they never know if they want to be with a girl until they have gotten into her pants (different strokes for different folks). The two to three months of your dating is the most important period of your time together. You should never get carried away with honeymooning and lose all your guard. To be brutally honest with you, all men approach you with a one track mind; sex, it now depends on you to show him a side of you that he may love to get to know better (a beautiful woman to a man is like a rich man to a woman). 

Why

If you’re talking about sex positions on your third date and sexting by your fifth date what exactly do you expect his anticipation would be? When you’re busy nursing his sexual appetite why wouldn’t he die to see you every day till he hits that? You’ve left his brain thinking of nothing else but that thing in between your thighs. He has no ear for whatever you’re saying, he would constantly change topics back to sexual matters and then you get frustrated but you don’t really mind because so far he has been ticking all your buttons. So when you eventually give it to him and he starts acting funny the confusion starts, he gains control. He doesn’t call for a week or two and you eat up his excuses cause you’re too desperate to let go and now he continues to push the boundaries further to see what and what not he could get away with. Ladies you need to take control on how your conversation should go, if you want something real then talk about real issues am sure he has a lot of interesting things to discuss aside from his burning torso you will be surpirse to learn.

This time of your life is very crucial.

When a man doesn’t pick your calls and calls after a week, treat him like the stranger he has chosen to be he doesn’t owe you any apologies because as far as you are concerned, he is a stranger sex or not. You are woman, tap into your inner strength, you will be surprised to note that you can get anything you want with a small display of  strength. This means no abuses, no insults, just well no worries but you have to point out to him how rude it was for him to ignore your calls only to call back after a week or more. Be sure to pick up his calls but don’t go out of your way to meet up with him and a lot of the time decline his offer to take you out, he just might be offering out of boredom judging from the fact that he disappeared for over a week. Never be too scared to say no, you are a woman, men will always come after you, he wasn’t the first and he wouldn’t be the last, you don’t have anything to lose and he can never be the best you will have. Moreover you should never allow a man to stop chasing you until he marries you, it is amazing how much more you get back onces you learn to let go.

He’s her man now…Not yours, get over it.

So what you dated for 6years broke up and 3months later he’s getting married. Apparently you weren’t good enough or so it seems. You spend endless hours looking through her Facebook pictures and going back and forth to the mirror to compare yourself…your breast, your ass, your belly, your face and finally, you conclude…you are far more of a ‘looker’ than she ever will be.  Well true spotting except now she has ’your’ man. 

Haven’t we all seen books on how to keep a man, how to make a man propose, how to get a man and how to make a man yours forever?  They are everywhere streaming from the internet to television and magazines. All the tips on dos and don’ts they are on every street corner stand, on every pop-up and on your twitter time-line.  None of these books prepare you for what you are about to experience during a shattering heartbreak. What I would like is to see a book that give women tips on what type tissue to buy, which mascara to wear that wouldn’t run (because believe me that pain is going to make you cry every 5mins irrespective of where you are) or if the sugar content in ben and jerry ice-cream would tickle your taste buds enough for you to forget your heartbreak issue for a minute (literarily).

If you get tempted so much so that you want to call him…Don’t.’ It will only increase your pain because no matter how much you psych yourself up that he will be miserable without you, he is actually happy you will be surprise to know. Don’t pretend you need closure, He getting engage to someone shortly after your breakup is all the closure you need… wouldn’t you agree?  The dude has moved on and that is exactly what you should be doing, get out your dairies and note pads and dive into that dream you kept on the shelve while making him your dream and no matter how bizarre this sounds am going to say it anyway; never stop dating, not even for one moment. 

She’s not better than you, no one can be, she just happens to be what he wants. Not forgetting that time matters a lot to men as well. That could have been a factor...it just wasn’t the right timing for both of you and maybe he didn’t know how to tell you the relationship was too comfortable and boring. Let’s face it, when you stay in a place for too long, you get too comfortable and then bored especially when you had no business being there in the first place. By the way he was never your man, as long as you haven’t signed any documents and made any vows under any religious oath, everyone is free lancing so get over it and repackage yourself.

Three tips on getting over a broken heart

Believe in yourself

Pamper yourself

Be selfish enough to make sure that you remain happy at all times, (and like Jill Scott said; ‘There’s just me’…in this case ‘you’) focus on you, you, you, you and only you and never make any excuse to putting a smile upon your face. Your life is brilliant, you are your own happiness and have not a doubt in your heart that you're anything short of a dime.

The new age of hypocrisy

These days guys can’t stick to one woman, our fathers can’t keep their hands off our future wives, and girls couldn’t care less. Nigeria has successfullly become the new Sodom and Gomorrah, a new technology playground for the devil himself, I only pray God does not wipe us out completely. The percentage of weddings every weekend compared with the percentage of single women in Nigeria is hitting equilibrium; no surpluses, no deficits. The same rating goes for unhappy homes and broken marriages, all has reach its peak. We live in a society where bank marketers are corporate prostitutes and it is norm to have four to five girls on the side separate from your Mrs. Why then do we consider ‘runs’ girls as bad eggs and why do we get so appalled when Nigerian girls speak out to say they have two to three boyfriends simultaneously? You can hate them all you want, but these girls are getting what they want and are getting married right in front our faces. 

Girls cannot do bad all by themselves

Just like in every business there is the manufacturer and the end user. The demand for loose uncanny girls in Nigeria is extremely high hence the supply of it. Men, if you are not demanding for it, then there will be no market for it. As far as I am concerned Nigerian men are the most unruly men in the world when it comes to the demand for sex, there tend to be no age limit, no barrier, no discipline and no discrimination. Yet they are so quick to slash their tongues when it comes to slandering a sister they have slept with, forgetting that these girls are our sisters, cousins, nieces, girlfriends, wives and sometimes even our mothers…so who are we fooling???

Live a lot

That is not to say that we should forget our morals and jump on the bandwagon of sex on the go. What am saying in other words is to do what makes you happy and not what you think the world will the happy with. You can never please anyone because there will always be someone you missed out on, so why not just please yourself by staying happy. A lot of women feel when they act in a certain kind of way it keeps a man or vice-versa, the truth is you can never keep a man that doesn’t want to be kept and you cannot stop a cheating man from cheating on you. So forget the made rule and live by your own rules. Forget what your friends think about you; they’re probably doing worse things than you can ever imagine. 

This is a man’s world

Women; in as much as you get good education, perfect teeth, fantastic figure, 2 master’s degree, a PhD, different honourees and recognitions, you are still a demi-slave in a man’s world. With all of that you will still bow your head to your husband unless you want to be like Condoleezza Rice and have no husband or Oprah with a partner for donkey years. So isn’t it better to end up with a man that gives you some sort of happiness than to be miserable all your life?  Because whether he is a poor man or a rich man, your slave duty applies; you cook, you clean, you go to work just like him, you take care of the kids, you are not expected to be tired, you don’t deserve any fun…in short if you are having too much fun be ready to start sitting at home cause he will make sure about it. so what if you married him for his money? At least you get the joy of spending it and if you marry for love am sure you are content enough to turn a blind eye to his stuggling state(that is if he is struggling) by struggling with him. On the other hand…he makes all the rules, he is tired all the time, ‘he works the hardest’ he expects a clean house, he can’t be disturbed with the cries of his own child, he wants sex when he wants it, he can invite his friends as he so pleases, he goes and comes as he likes and you bring in more cash flow than he does (sometimes).

Men want it all

Even when men hit 60, they still want the finest girls under their arms to do as they like with, as well as wanting a good wife at home... probably one they married a virgin and they want the same for their sons too. Unfortunately karma has started coming on these men. They are now witnessing their sons bring home girls that they have had one or two things with or a girl they saw with their friend the last time they went to the country club and before you know it, all hell is breaking lose. On such situations, the men are never to blame. The girls always end up on the wrong end of the stick and before you know it, they're single all over again. So women, in everything you do, watch your back for you are never on the right and don't be deceived enough to believe that you share equal rights with men. You don't and that probably is the hardest truth you might want to come to terms with.

You're single cos' you're scared of being single!!!

Contrary to popular believe that you’re single because you haven’t found Mr Right. Right? Wrong! The position you are in today is based on the twist of your perception on how you presume you should be living by now.

Your best mate is married with two kids, your younger sister is getting married in two weeks, you can’t seem to find the right guy, the right guys already have right girls for them, you’re lost in the land of the confused and you’re wondering if there is an exit out of there.

Maybe if you were not too scared of being single you’ll be in a relationship now. Problem with that is when you find a guy that is right for you and ticks all your right buttons, you seem to do everything wrong. Women are so scared of losing the ‘right’ man they have in their heads are the ideal man for them that they lose all integrity by dropping all their guards in the quest of making ‘it’ work.

You should always have this at the back of your mind; anything that is rushed in will be rushed out. In the end, all you want is marriage, so why rush into it? You have the most years of your life to spend with an individual so why hurry at all? except you’re worried about your ticking calendar for childbirth but the truth is naija girls really don’t think about the child bearing, their utmost priority is attaching the title 'Mrs' to their first name. So I ask you politely again, why the rush???

Material heads

If your first impression of the ‘right’ guy is one that gives you a ride in his brand new Honda car and calls you later to ask if you got into bed safely without knocking your head on the banister, then strap on your seat belt for you’re in for a bumpy ride, ‘right’ isn’t defined by flashy rides, fresh haircuts and sweet nothings. So you quickly jump into the relationship and start cruising around with him in his Honda car, he’s taking you to all the fancy/fun places, showing you off to all his friends, taking you out to eat, hanging out with you for two weeks straight, not forgetting that he is always getting all the nookie he wants from you because after the 21^st call he had placed to you by the 3^rd day he had won your pussy trophy.  You’ve been having so much fun that you forget to analyse and ask where all these is going and then something mysterious happens; he stops picking your calls, he’s always in a meeting, he’s become really busy, he has to cancel your cinema date and can’t drive all the way to your house. So now you start making the effort; Since he stopped calling, you start calling. Since he can’t make it to your house, you find your way to his house. Since he stopped inviting you out, you start inviting him out. You become more and more desperate to get back the attention you once had from him. You make excuses in your head for him as to why responsibilities have changed, you convince yourself that you’re too hot for him to let go (after all you were always on  point all the times you hung out, not forgetting how all his friends couldn’t take their eyes off you) and before you know it, you’re single again.  Need I say that ladies need to be able to tell the difference between a guy with potential and a guy that just wants to fuckall? but of course a lot of ladies  are too carried away with materials that they fail to get that crystal ball out and look into the guy’s future. It’s not the guys that make you single, it’s the champagne, boat cruises, flashy cars and the fear of being alone that got you cornered into you worst nightmare.

Are you a single wifey?

Not all women are materialistic and shallow but all women like to have the finer things in life. A lot of smart educated and simple women are single, it is a wonder why all your relationships never make it to the sixth month when you are so grounded and well cultured. You are considered ‘wifey material’ by all your male friends but apparently all the guys you date don’t share that same notion about you as you are still single. Yet all your ‘bad bad’ friends are either engaged, wedded or in a serious relationship. One advice…take it easy, loosen up, be open minded, and stop over packaging yourself. Don’t be too quick to show you’re smart (you know you’re smart that’s all that matters) otherwise you’ll outsmart yourself into his bed and then he’s done with you. Just have fun and don’t give your nookie for free. If you’re giving nookie, make sure you don’t regret if a relationship does not come out it. Give nookie on your own terms and don’t make it leverage for a relationship. Remember, it takes two to tango. 

What’s your perception of Mr Right?

Let me hook you up on a date with two guys

Guy 1

Profile:  Alright looking guy, drives a Datsun car, earns a decent salary and has a lot of business ideas in his head.

His assets/potential (what you don’t know): he is saving up to start up his business, he is not lavish, and he likes you enough to want you to build his dreams and empire with you. But obviously you can’t see that and after the first date you don’t pick his call.

Guy 2

Profile: good looking guy, drives a bmw, earns a decent salary and plans to pop champagne every Friday night.

His asset/potential (what you don’t know); he has never had a savings, he is broke the 4^th day after he gets paid, he’s only real asset is his bmw car and he is still getting leftovers from his exes. 

Who will you go for?

The potential of a guy should not be judged by what he is bagging materially, you need to take your time to know what is in each guy’s head, shove your material instinct at back of your mind while accessing a man. The smartest chicks are the ones that smell potential 10yards away; it makes you wonder what she sees in the guy. He has nothing you can see, he’s not the finest guy, and you don’t even consider him smooth talker enough to talk you into giving you a lift on a rainy day, but still your girl is determine to stick with him. No one is saying you don’t deserve a rich man in your life, let’s not deceive ourselves. But what do we really want? A rich boyfriend or a rich husband?

So slow down…let your friends marry, let your sister get married, allow your older cousins tease you but be single because you are taking time out to choose wisely, not because you’re too scared of missing out on a ‘good man’ that you’re jumping into bed with all your ‘potential’ lovers and remaining in the singles zone.