Make that decision count!!!

So I sit here listening to Raheem DeVaughn’s ‘she’s not you’ and it gets me wondering, It’s such a beautiful song but I can’t help but wonder about the flip side of a coin of that song. A lot of ladies are trapped in self-denial of believing that a certain lady is not good enough for a man but keep wondering what the hell he is still doing with her. Note: if a man is claiming to like you a lot and has a woman he claims is not good enough for him, who has been there for so long and is still there after 6months months of you seeing him; you are the side-line and would remain that. The most interesting part of relationships and life these days is that the women are against each other and in support of the men. How will you discover that the person you are sleeping with has another woman he’s sleeping with and you’re angry with the other woman? Like really?

I often say to friends that I wish more women thought like men; a typical man knows exactly what he wants and does not compromise on it. A man can be fucking a woman he does not give a shit about, though she may be a good woman to be fair but once his mind is not there, even if he fucks her for 10years he’s never going to put a ring on it because he’s not in tune with her being his wife. Women need to get with the in-tune program. Although It’s kind of difficult not to fall in between that line of keeping faith and self-denial 1) you want to keep faith and be hopeful that one day, one faithful day he will pop the question 2) you know that faith is a $400million gamble but you still place a bet anyway and lie to yourself that you’re the best thing that happened to him after French toast while he is still fucking his colleague at work. Ok agreed men do the approaching and men determine the ultimate walk to the alter but it shouldn’t be so difficult to spot a tiger in a white room, you should know if a man’s heart is not in-tune with yours and move on from him, it all boils down to a little determination and a lot of self-confidence. You have to believe you are the best creation God ever made and stay true to that word.

I have a friend in his mid-thirties who has a fantastic business, beautiful house, nice cars and even comes from a wealthy family. He was going with his chic that is in her early thirties for 3yrs before he was eventually pressured to propose. After proposal it took him to be pressured for another one and a half years before he agreed to do introduction. Since the introduction he has shifted his wedding like 3-4 times now, so now we‘ve all stopped asking. I have a very clear view of what is going on because I and he talk heart to heart. He is seriously looking for a way out but would not let her go until he finds a replacement but she is willing to hold on to her hopes until he eventually marries her. Bottom line is even if they eventually get married happiness will be so strained in the home. Why should anyone agree to string along? There are more than five million people in the world and your husband doesn’t necessarily have to be him. Your husband is not the first person available enough to ask you to marry him, he’s is not the finest guy with the high paid job, he is not the champagne popping present buying lover you have, or that brother that seems to be so holy in church, your husband is that one person that makes your laugh even when there is nothing but garri to drink in the house, the person you can share the silliest petty detail of your day with, your husband is your greatest ally, your husband is your best friend.

Don’t focus on the other woman, channel that energy to yourself and what you want out of life. Come in agreement with if you want a figurehead/public face husband you have kids with and attach yourself to or a friend that makes you happy in and out. You know the irony of our parents time and now is; in those days most marriages were kind of arranged and they didn’t really date for too long before they married, these days people date for long, either settle after searching for someone else to no avail or date for long break up and 4months later marry someone totally new to the picture and end up as house mates and baby making partners forever. Only a few marriages these days are in good shape. Forget what anybody tells you that marriage is hard and a lot of work, they married the wrong person, marriage is lovely and fun and happy, true love stories never have endings. Of course there will always be disagreements and misunderstandings, you have times like that with even your parents, siblings and very close friends but it shouldn't be something that breaks your heart totally or something enough to make you want to commit suicide; figuratively speaking.

Take your time, choose wisely; have a God eye view of things: that is to say...see beyond the naturally human vision then make your choices. I wish you all peace and happiness in the coming year. Let this year go with all your mistakes and heartaches and start the New Year on a clean and fresh slate. Trust I will be there to help you boost that courage that leads you to your final happiness, Happy New Year.

Somewhere in the shadows

Many of us are quick to judge a book by its cover and often bring in this mind-set into our relationships, you see a lot of singles around, young, bold, beautiful and strong and everyone starts throwing the words good men/women are hard to find. The simple truth is good men/women are very easy to find because they are right in front of our faces we just refuse to see past our nose.

A typical example I often give is with me and my better half, truth is the first day my half approached me, I disliked him instantly. He was far from my preferred ‘type’ and was actually the total opposite in what I usually liked in my men, so instantly I ruled him out. However being the person I’ve known him to be now, he never gives up on what he wants and fights to the finish to make sure he gets it. It was in his fighting to the finish approach that I fell in love with him and I cannot even think of what my life would be without him now. That is not to say I was desperate, as I had other guys on my case which I assumed were my ‘type’ but which all fell short. That single act of me telling myself to give this guy a chance and see where it leads has earned me some good years of friendship, romance, peace of mind and happiness.

Needless to say; don’t rule anyone out, you just never know, give people a chance to prove their worth to you, it is better you try and make mistakes than not to try at all and it is also always better to mess up than miss out completely. I personally believe that the ‘my type’ stereotype is absolutely immature, that should have gone with your teenage years when it doesn’t really matter if you miss out on love completely as you have many years ahead of you. I can only imagine that what springs up in women’s mind will be the count of sexual partners they might incur with this trial and error mood and that is where you go completely wrong. Sex only last minutes no matter how much you lie to yourselves that you go for hours, the pleasure of sex only last for a few minutes, the rest is exercise, hence you can run a perfect relationship without sex being involved so hold yourself till you find what it is you’re really looking for. Apart from it saving you a handful of heartaches, it also saves you the worry of stds, pregnancies and abortions plus you are better starting off as friends because eventually when the sex becomes tired that bond of friendship will keep the fire of love burning.

Why get broken in two all the time by your ‘typical type’ when the real deal is always there to console your teary eyed self?  I have friends both male and female that have people in their lives dying to have a relationship with them but they already put these people in the ‘not my type’ category but always get burned by their ‘general type’, I’ll type here the same thing I said to a friend; ‘your idea is not always your ideal’ in other words simply broken down as: the best thing you think is for you may not be the most favourable thing for you after all. If you keep getting the same result from every relationship you enter into, don’t you think it is time to start trying things outside your box to see if it will work out? The whole logic in life is to learn from mistakes and not keep repeating the same mistakes over again. Another friend of mine has many girls at his disposal, a good guy with a well-paid job but he keeps missing that special bond he wants in a woman, we both agreed he widens his horizon as sometimes sticking to the norm gives your total happiness a limitation.

 

As it is always best to take time out to get to know people whilst putting it at the back of your mind that no one is perfect including yourself, the fact that we all come from different walks of life and background gives room for different views. You have to work together on what you agree and don’t agree on, check on the pros and cons of the behaviour parallel to yours, if it is something you can live with, give it a try, no harm in that. If it turns out it is something you cannot handle, move on from it and start giving yourself room enough to assess the next person but whatever you do don’t  lie to yourself, don’t  be superficial or shallow and don’t sell yourself short. Life is full of choices and the ultimate choice you should be making is the one that will guarantee you happiness even in the heat of any moment.

I was reading a while back and the issue of money in relationship was the primary subject so I thought to shed my own light on the matter but before I start I’ll say this, if money is an issue in your relationship it will break you. There are several reasons why two individuals of the same class work well in a relationship, the most important reason is money matter coupled with so many others such as common interest, education (study and horizon), and etc. Money has a huge effect on the turn out of your relationship, it will either break you or make you, no in between. So please leave your comments, it encourages me to know that you’re reading which is every writer's dream and I know you’re reading, I see a lot of regulars on my traffic all the time. Leave a comment, encourage me to encourage you.

In as much as men like to carter, they also do not want to feel like they are being used. In truth, I have never come across women believing that once a man takes interest in getting to know them the spending should start rolling like in Nigerian women. It is so bad that a man’s spending determines his level of interest and a lot of men take advantage of this, they go straight to the spending so they can have quick access to the panties, so if you make a man spend so much on you, be ready to give him what he has paid for. A lot of women in Nigeria live their lives based on the logic that a man must spend and I think that is one of the reasons why so many people are single today, male/female.

If he is not your husband, then limit your spending antics to your father, quit asking for things your father cannot provide you from a man who is not your father’s age. Imagine how long it took your father to get to have the amount of wealth he has and compare it to the age of the man you’re dating. Why then do you ask ridiculously for things the major male character in your life cannot provide?

I understand the fact that two fingers are not equal and in actual fact, some people are born with a silver spoon so this illustration might be flawed but at the same time, it is the idea surrounding it that you should concentrate more on. Don’t act like you have a sole right to your boyfriend pocket when he is not yet your husband, he doesn’t have to, unless he chooses to. He has a choice and whatever choice he makes should not determine how your relationship is run. You may narrow it down to you cooking and cleaning and going to his house from time to time to do his laundry therefore he shouldn’t have a problem with picking up your bills whenever you have one but it was your choice to do all these things, so if you’re not a maid, don’t expect to get paid. The sex is not even valid point enough for him to pick up your bills because it takes two to consent to love making, therefore stop putting a claim on your private part as he did not rape you and you are not a common prostitute expecting payment. If it is a conscious act, you both have equal right to the enjoyment of it.

Money is one issue that everyone feels sensitive about especially women. It is easy for women to receive and ask for money from their men but once the table is flipped then the problem starts, the notion of your money is ours and mine is mine has broken so many relationships today. A relationship is a partnership of two and so should it be run…like a partnership. There is nothing wrong in contributing even if it is the smallest contribution of say for instance; paying for the drinks after he has paid for the cinema tickets and popcorn, it gives you good practice on how to run your future home. If you start with that, you will see that when you eventually get married and chips are down, it wouldn’t be that difficult and frustrating to help out, it will most likely allow your home function normally and healthily with no strains based on the change in situation. 

In relationships where the woman is the one with the money, you should never forget your responsibilities as a man.  A lot of women don’t mind spending on their men but if you have no limit on how often you ask for funds from your lady then there is a problem. First you show no shame as a man and second you gradually give her the sole title of the head in your relationship and here is where the problem starts. If your woman is gradually becoming head, don’t expect her to still remain submissive to you, after all the only party that needs to be submitted to is the head so she earned the right. As a man that you claim to be, you need to be familiar with hunting and fishing ropes, you have to hunt in other to put food on your woman’s table, if your woman is the one doing all the hunting on your behalf then what exactly is your worth and contribution to your relationship?

Judging that you don’t do the cleaning, you don’t do the cooking, you don’t do the child bearing and you don’t hunt, then you are utterly useless. She might as well get a dildo for sex and TV sitcoms for company, a woman who provides solely for her man is an unfulfilled woman and that relationship is already strained. She will constantly seek for change for a better man and that is when your relationship starts heading down-hill. This might be biased but I’ll type it again; couples who are on the same or with not so much gap on the financial level often work out much better because as much as we all try to ignore it and be in self- denial of it; finance matters ‘A LOT’ in a relationship. If you don’t believe me, ask a man who is struggling financially married to a woman from a wealthy family, love may just not be enough. Couples stand a better chance growing an empire together than moving into your partner’s empire: they are already lord and master of their castle and you cannot pull a king/queen of a kingdom down…that is treason and historians will tell you that treason is punishable by death and death alone. Hence! The death of your relationship.

What you give is just what you Get

I know it hasn’t hit you yet so let me break it down for you, isn’t it a trip that most of the respectable women are still out there searching for a man to cling on to? These women have it all going for them, they can handle their car, house, spa and travel bills just fine without your help, thank you very much. Could there be something these women are not doing? Could it be something they all have in common that puts them all in the same situation? I say YES and they come in two categories.

The I can tell my onions from my suya kind of women...category

Like Erykah Badu sang on her ‘on and on’ track…a man that knows something knows that he knows nothing at all. Unfortunately for women in this category, they know everything. Before you approach them they know you were checking them out and they don’t mind telling you that because they’re also very outspoken. They know you only want to use them like every other woman you have dealt with in the past and they mince no words telling you that but before you end your conversation with them, they make you aware that they are different and different is how you must treat them.  

This is why you will remain single...

If you fall in the onion from suya category, you just made yourself vulnerable enough for anyone to penetrate into your psyche and made it easier for hungry men who just want to eat you out to get what they want; no need for further research on what scheme to trick you with. Most men don’t know how to deal with whoever they are about to approach but as they are natural hunters, they go for it anyway and hope for luck from your attitude and character to guide them through. With all the information you have just given whoever it is that approached you, he need not stress no more on what tune to play to get you dancing to the rhythm and got bored from saying hello; men actully like the chase, it keeps them interested. So now he treats you like a lady, he takes you out to fancy places, he talks ‘hard talk’ with you, he may even throw in a holiday trip to somewhere, he is extra careful around you because he knows you’re watching and for that reason he is out doing himself to be sure he gets you drawling senselessly. Its like having an exam to write and the examiner telling you all the answers 2weeks before the paper; why would you bother studying? You wouldn’t study and you will never get to fall in love with the subject because you were never given the chance to. Your know all attitude has given him the requirements to get into your pants and  has cost you a life time commitment from him. You will be glad to know that without you even noticing, you set up his game plan for him.

The I know what I want and I go for it, am a grown woman kind of women...category

No one is arguing with you that you don’t know what you want, of course you do, isn’t that why you are still single? Unfortunately this has made you appear cheap more than once because you give it all in one go. Isn’t it funny how all the men you want don’t want you back and all the other ones you don’t want are dying to have you? Women! It is time to sit back, rethink and set up a proper chart on the difference between what you want and what you need. If maintaining a relationship was based on being able to handle your own and being super smart in knowing what you want, by now you should have had 3 beautiful kids, a huge house by the lake and the most loving husband ever created but it isn’t so you need to reframe your understanding of it all. You just cannot dive whole into a man’s arms just because he approached you and you like what you see because you are not the only woman who has eyes, every other single woman can see too, you need to stand out.

This is why you will remain single...

Like Lauren Hill sang on her ‘that thing’ track to begin…you give it up so easy you ain’t even fooling him…if you did it then, then you’ll probably do it again. Note that that phisolosphy is what most men operate on. Sure they understand that you know what you want so its better to get it over and done with and move on...but is that what you really want? You meet a man and because of all the superficials you can see, you quickly assume he is ‘the one’ and you want him and because you are a grown ass woman, and don’t play around, you go straight to the point. That point has got you humping in bed with every man you meet faster than a rocket launch. What exactly do you know about this man that got you wetting your pants? Nothing! As educated and smart as you are, you still cannot tell the difference between a good man and a good looking man? Or do you think he was never aware of how good looking he was till he met you? He probably had a good shag the night before you met with some girl he met 3days before you and you are looking like the next person to warm his bed. This kind of attitude would never get you a man. It will only help you get pounded on a regular, except that is what you want. 

What you need is to chill, take time to know a person and find out if his qualities are what you need, Rome wasn’t built in a day, the joy in any lasting relationship is discovering beautiful surprises with each passing day. Be easy, stop believing that all the men who get to know you are intimated by you independance and therefore are too scared to be in a committed realtionship with you. For every successful, beautiful and single woman, there is another woman round the corner more successful and more beautiful who actually has a man. If everyman around you has a problem, it is high time you check yourself and do some re-adjustements and repackaging, only then would you get all the fulfilments your heart so desires, until then, stay happy and loyal to only yourself.

The oTheR wOmAn

I once had a friend, I use the adverb ‘had’ because I have long lost touch with this friend, so I once had a friend who was a serial cheater actually more of a player than a cheater but as he was in a serious relationship I considered him a cheater. My serial cheating friend felt comfortable discussing his girlie issues with me and me being the psychologist always had a way of putting him in therapy sessions without him knowing. Once he threw a question at me asking what end of a relationship I would rather be in; the main or the other chic? There was no thinking about it I answered ‘of course the main but either way I would not tolerate cheating’. However from his numerous experiences with women, he drew the conclusion that a lot of women preferred to be the cheating partner rather than the main chic being cheated on. His analysis came from his strategy; every woman he had dealings with was made fully aware of his main chic and all agreed comfortably to remain in the dark.

I believe there are reasons why chics would rather be on the outside than be on the inside. For one a lot of women do not want their heart broken, they find it more comfortable getting what they want from the outside than being the ‘fool’ on the inside. they believe they’re getting more attention than the main chic, they are having more fun than she is and they are having less stress thinking about who and who he’s fooling around with. They enjoy all of that until they begin to want more and then the crying starts and the game changes. They gradually start to realise that the attention decreases, the need for him to spend more time with her also decreases and the fun they thought they were having isn’t fun anymore. Now they cry more than the bereaved and they want the hold she has on him that makes him so glued to her even when he is constantly pounding them.

You don’t comfortably settle into being the side chic thinking you have the strength for it or you’re gangster so you can handle it. You settle into it because you decided this was the best you could get. The guy sees through all that hard façade and takes full advantage of it before the wool comes off your eyes. Instead of tagging along with a man already taken deceiving yourself that you have him in the balls, why not work on your self-esteem. Why play along thinking you can survive for two months and then start asking for more after then? He told you he was taken, why would you think he will make that clear to you? You don’t think it’s because he doesn’t want you to start asking for more? Don’t be too gullible to read between the lines. Be wise, you deserve better than being the side order (for you’re only there to pass time while the main dish is being prepared). Focus on being the main dish because in truth that is where your heart really wants to be. Nobody wants to be single, stop lying to you.

Some people are not lucky enough to be told that they are side chics which is unfortunate, but you will know if you are not number one on his agenda. A friend called me up a long while ago and was talking about this dude that did not give her as much attention as she deemed fit, she was so stressed up about it that she had to ask him if he was running another relationship with someone else, he initially said he wasn’t but after a few days she brought up the topic again this time with much anguish and he admitted to having a girlfriend who wasn’t in the country. My friend was distraught, for a few months he ignored her much more than she did him and went straight back to him when he decided to beg her forgiveness. I asked my friend if her said lover still had a girlfriend and she acted confused, she wasn’t sure anymore but she doesn’t think so. We discussed on how silly she was to continue with the relationship and put herself in such a situation, first because he never defined the relationship as he refused to give her the girlfriend title and second because he still didn’t give her as much attention as she wanted. We concluded she should let it go, I hope she has.

To make anything work for you, you have to stand your ground, you should either be in or nowhere near the house, you cannot afford to lurk around in the dark, it gets cold out there and sooner or later you would not only want the warmth of being inside the house but you would actually need it. Don’t go convincing yourself that you’re a good girl and that it’s the first time and the worst thing you’ve ever done, that wouldn’t help mend your eventual wounded heart. Moreover if he’s cheating with you, he is cheating on you, get that clear. So the opinion that you are not the main chic and therefore not being cheated on is totally flawed. When he is not giving you 100% of his time but giving you 20% and someone else 80% isn’t that clear cheating? Because unfortunately, you're giving your all so in other words, he’s not only cheating on you, but you’re also cheating yourself.

GoodBye.

Goodbye may be the saddest word you think you’ll ever hear but goodbye could be the one word that may save your happiness. Those who follow my blog will know now that happiness is all I preach. Long-time fulfilment in any relationship you are in and you will also learn that gaining that happiness is to not compromise your actual joy for the ‘idea’ of happiness. Staying in a painful relationship for four years long just because he was prince charming in the first year and a half of you dating and hoping that you can change him is the greatest mirth you can ever hoax yourself with. If are not in a marriage, what exactly are you holding on to and for? Here’s a man that has cheated more than once, slapped you in the face at least three times and guilt tripped you forty times in one year. My question is what is your idea of happiness; Eighteen months of romance and thirty months of battery; emotional or otherwise?

A lot of people will say love is the strangest thing because when you’re in love there are no limits to what you can take or do, contrary to what you already know to be wrong or right love. The greatest love that should ever be should be love for yourself (love your neighbour as you love yourself, not love yourself as you love your neighbour: so put yourself first). You might look in the mirror and admire yourself on a daily basis but deep down, thinking about it, do you really love yourself? Do you love yourself well enough to make sure that you don’t hurt your heart? Do you love yourself enough not to be an emotional wreck? Do you love yourself enough to make sure that you guarantee yourself true happiness? Not the kind that you show people in public but in-doors you’re a saddest but the kind of love strong enough to seek truth and pull out of that broken relationship? Or would you just wallow in it because it looks good from the outside and no one will notice the dark circles under your eyes? Putting other people’s happiness before your own doesn’t make you kind and sweet as you have made yourself belief, it will only make you miserable and in tears. 

Looking around and about a lot of individuals fall for the’ idea’ of what they think happiness should be and put their ‘actual’ happiness in jeopardy. I spoke to a friend recently and apparently ‘marriage’ for her was ideal happiness not minding if whoever proposing was someone she could love for eternity of even live happily with. In a nutshell that was what was gathered from the whole conversation. I immediately felt more sad than sorry for her because here was someone trying to put her whole life into a belief that will quickly fade as soon as the ‘I dos’ are said. The ‘idea of love’ sells much more than love itself, the flowers, the candles, the cant sleep at night because I miss you, taking you on a holiday and proposing. Yes that’s sweet, but after all the paparazzi what’s left? What’s the communication like? Are you on the same wave length? Is someone feeling used and the other abused? It’s good that we practice some of what we see on romantic comedies however if your lover is not your friend then you are in for ‘unhappy ever after’ because when the paparazzi flashlights go dim it’s you and your other half alone in the dark, no cameras, no flashlights no actions, just the both of you with no movie scenes to play role in.  

Understood that we are all different individuals coming and going through different walks of life but when your relationship is more of ‘master and slave ship’ than of ‘relating with each other in one common ship’ with a common ground and mutual respect balance then someone is eating of the fat cow while the other is begging for crumbs and that’s going to be one rocking ride with a destination that will numb your spirit. A lot of tyrants hide behind religious curtains to bend the submission rule, forgetting that before submission is mentioned love was at the forefront. They cut straight to the ‘wives submit to your husbands’ part and forget to show love. Love is not providing for your family, that is ‘duty’, love is to respect and to hold in high esteem at all times. If you find yourself feeling cheated and slighted in your relationship and knowing fully well in your heart that you are more sad than happy irrespective of what others might say or think, then your need to change course and navigate your happiness. Suicide is not the way out; it will only mean you died unhappy and trust me, you don’t hate yourself that much, unless except you think you do and am telling you now…you don’t.